i would punch a child for taco bell
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
