help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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