I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
