Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize