the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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