It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
