I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
