you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize