I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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