I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
