How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
