Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
