any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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