I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
