my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
