currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
false alarm, still single
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
