Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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