I'm going to jail i love you
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
