I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
