I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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