dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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