That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
