I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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