i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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