the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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