there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
