I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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