i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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