i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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