I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
