I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
