he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
