can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
