at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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