I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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