I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Too much gin, very little bucket
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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