you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
