Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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