i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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