today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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