Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
