my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
