Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
