Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
