He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
