I think I died a long time ago.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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