nut hugger
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
