I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
