How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Randomize
