There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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