So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
