Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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