Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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