My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
