I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We need to get me chipped asap
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
