My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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