If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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