She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
