u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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