You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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