Your dad touched me again.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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