I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
