trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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