I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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