vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
